


Wish I Could've Spent the Whole Day Alone (With You)

by aPlaugeOnAllYourFandoms



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, dysphoria mention, one instance of misgendering, trans headcannon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:08:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26992645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aPlaugeOnAllYourFandoms/pseuds/aPlaugeOnAllYourFandoms
Summary: “I just don’t see it,” Mrs. Clawthorne finally said after what felt like an eternity.“Your mother’s right,” Mr. Clawthorne added, “It just doesn’t make sense. You’ve never acted like a girl.”Lilith did not know what that was supposed to mean.“Besides,” Mrs. Clawthorne added, “How are we supposed to explain this to Edalyn?”~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Or Lilith rexamines her gender journeyOr or I'm trans and want to write trans Lilith.
Relationships: Eda Clawthorne & Lilith Clawthorne
Comments: 5
Kudos: 82





	Wish I Could've Spent the Whole Day Alone (With You)

**Author's Note:**

> Note, I am not a trans woman, so I didn't get into great detail on everything. I also know choosing a character the fandom doesn't know how to feel about as a trans headcannon is risky, but I really enjoy the character of Lilith and wanted to write this. 
> 
> Title is from Transgender Dysphoria Blues from Against Me!

Lilith Clawthorne wanted nothing more than to make herself disappear. As she stood before her parents, her heart was beating out of her chest. They weren’t saying a word.

“Well,” Lilith asked, in a voice that was low, nasally, and that she hated.

Lilith hated everything about her appearance. Her short, curly, dark red hair, the thick square glasses she wore, but it was her voice that she hated the most. Well, that was one of the things she hated the most. 

“I just don’t see it,” Mrs. Clawthorne finally said after what felt like an eternity. 

“Your mother’s right,” Mr. Clawthorne added, “It just doesn’t make sense. You’ve never acted like a girl.”

Lilith did not know what that was supposed to mean. 

“Besides,” Mrs. Clawthorne added, “How are we supposed to explain this to Edalyn?”  
  
Lilith wanted to scream. Eda was 14, and far more understanding than her parents were. Or at least Lilith hoped her sister would be more understanding. 

“Let me talk to her,” Lilith practically pleaded.

The Clawthorne’s looked at each other, having a silent conversation. 

“We’ll think about it,” Mr. Clawthorne informed Lilith. 

***

Eda Clawthrone could not hear what was going on, but knew it was important, so when her brother came up the stairs, Eda pounced at the idea of finding out what was up. 

“What were you talking about,” Eda asked.

Lilith sighed. 

“Come on,” Eda teased, “I can take it!”  
  
Lilith looked at Eda with giant eyes. Slowly, the older sibling pointed towards Eda’s room. 

“Let’s talk,” Lilith said. 

Eda grinned. 

Once in the room, Lilith shut the door tight. 

“Woah,” Eda said, “I guess they really don’t want you telling me.”

“They’re against the idea,” Lilith admitted. 

“So,” Eda said, making herself comfortable, “lay it on me.”

Lilith sighed. This was going to be hard. 

“I think I’m a girl,” Lilith explained. 

Eda shrugged. 

“Okay, and,” Eda asked, expecting more. 

“That’s all,” Lilith said, surprised about her sister’s nonchalant attitude. 

“Oh, ok,” Eda said, nodding, “So, are you starting on gender magic?”

Lilith could have blown down a house by how heavy her sigh was. 

“They’re going to “talk about it”,” Lilith explained, “They didn’t want me to tell you.”

Eda thought about it for a second. 

“I just learned a new spell,” Eda started.

“Now’s not the time, Eda,” Lilith scolded. 

“Let me finish,” Eda said, “It’s a body swap spell.”

Lilith was confused, but before she could ask, Eda explained.    
  


“We could switch bodies,” Eda said.

Lilith was still confused. 

“You want to be a boy,” Lilith asked.

Eda laughed. 

“Nah,” she said, “I just want you to be happy.”

Lilith, close to tears, tackle hugged her sister.

“You better hope you get hot,” Eda warned, “Because otherwise Hexide is going to suck.”

Lilith groaned. She had forgotten all about that. 

  
  


***

Hexide sucked, despite how hot Lilith was getting. Her hair seemed curlier the longer it grew out, and her face had softened, her jaw line had relaxed, and she was beginning to feel beautiful. So why couldn’t everyone else see that this was for the best?

Lilith was never popular, but since coming back to school as a girl, things were just getting worse. Her parents weren’t helping.

“I’m not sure the girl’s Grudgeby team is a good idea, sweetie,” her mother had said, “Let’s wait a year.”   
  
And Lilith had obeyed, because she was the good Clawthorne- the one who followed the rules. Still, seeing Eda have fun (and cheat) at Grudgeby games made Lilith wish she hadn’t discovered anything about herself. 

But it was Eda who always had her back, who bullied the bullies for her. 

“You just have to go,” Eda said, “Where no one knows about you. Reintroduce yourself.”   
  


Lilith smiled at the memory. The Emperor’s Coven, after all, was the perfect place to start.

“Lilith,” Eda said inside the memory, “Just don’t go overboard.”

***

Lilith woke up early to straighten her hair, put on contacts, and shave. Despite having been on gender magic for years, and not having that much facial hair to begin with, Lilith liked to be sure she looked as feminine and elegant as possible. 

There was a pounding on her door.

“Up and at ‘em recruits,” a guard barked. 

Lilith smiled. She had planned everything perfectly and was ready to start the day. 

As she raced out of her room, Lilith took one second to look at the blue book of curses on her desk. 

“When training’s over,” she whispered to the books, “I’ll look through you again.”

Then she turned, and ran out the door. 

The lesson for the day was apprehending witches and demons selling items without a permit. 

Lilith, mask on, strolled up to a booth. 

“Permit,” she said in the most intimidating voice she could think of. 

“One second, Sir,” the demon said, and began to bend down as if he was looking for something. 

“Sir.” 

The word bounced around Lilith’s head. It was an insult. It was an omen. It was who she was maybe. Maybe none of this was worth it.

Deep in her own thoughts, Lilith did not see the demon running the opposite direction, until she heard a guard bark, “Recruit!”  
  
Snapping back to reality, Lilith chased the demon, and they eventually caught him, and packed him to the conformitorum.   
  
Lilith’s checks were burning. 

Later on, they were all scolded, and told that one of them had almost let Tibbles, the master criminal escape. Lilith didn’t know how she would get away with it, until only the boys were questioned, because Tibbles swore it was a man he had talked to. 

***

It was Saturday, which, for Lilith, meant one thing- gender magic day.

The witch took a deep breath in, and then, while exhaling, cast the spell. The magic bounded through her body, and she sighed. Spell day always helped relax her, and nowadays, she needed relaxing. 

As she stepped out of Eda’s room, she was caught by a frustrated Eda.

“And you were in my room, because,” Eda asked.

Lilith turned red. 

“I just needed to do something,” she assured her sister. 

“And you couldn’t do it in your room because,” Eda asked.

“Because I sleep on the couch in your living room,” Lilith practically exploded.

Eda chuckled. 

“Yeah you do,” was all she said, before entering her room. 

Lilith was upset, but quickly felt the anger fizzle out of her. She had to be calm, had to be proper. Had to be more feminine than anyone else to be seen as equal to anything. 

Eda could sense her sister was deep in her thoughts.

“Whatcha thinking about,” Eda asked.

Lilith snapped back to reality. 

“Nothing,” she said, and began to leave, before stopping.   
  
She could talk to Eda, or at least she used to be able to. 

“Actually,” Lilith said, “I’m surprised how you were able to handle everything curse wise.”

“Yeah,” Eda said coldly, “Guess you didn’t think that through when you cursed me, huh?”

Lilith sighed.

“I didn’t think things through,” she admitted, “I just wanted to be perfect.”

Eda laughed. 

“No one’s perfect, Lily,” Eda explained.

Lilith took a deep breath. 

“Well, I’ve tried to be. Growing up- wasn’t easy,” Lilith explained.

“I was there, dummy,” Eda said, “Sure you’ve had to go through a lot, but I was never your enemy. We’re sisters.”

Lilith smiled.

“You know,” Eda said after a pause, “Luz was telling me about human gender. Did you know you can not have a gender?”  
  
Lilith grinned. 

  
“Edalyn Clawthrone,” Lilith said, “are you coming out to me?”  
  
“Maybe,” was all Eda said as the two embraced. 

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise! Also gave you a bonus genderqueer Eda for reading. Anyway thanks for reading this totally self indulgent thing. Kudos and comments are appreciated.


End file.
